"Oh shit," I thought when I finally watched Twilight - when I realized exactly why I had been avoiding cracking open the book or Googling "Robert Pattinson." It's because I can't just simply enjoy such a sweet brand of cultural phenomenon and move on, if I fall for it then I live and die for it. My name is Lisa, I have Pop Culture Addictive Personality Disorder, and Twilight is my new drug of choice.
I'm like those alcoholics that can't hang out at a bar without funneling a bottle of tequila and lighting themselves on fire. I put some of the blame on the enablers I call my "friends" who should have known this before exposing me to Stephenie Meyers' trite teen drama and Robert Pattinson's chiseled (LIKE OUT OF MARBLE) gloomy gaze. Look at the facts: when I was 11 every girl my age was into Hanson or NSYNC or BSB or whatevs, but they all got over it. I'm the one that carries the torch a decade later (and cough cough, fucking met them and interviewed them no big deal cough cough) I've had similar relationships with others: Degrassi/The N, many a TV show that I've watched in its entireity over a weekend, JT , BritBrit - but quite possibly my lovelust for Twilight is even more potent. (KINDOFLIKETHELOVETHATEXISTSBETWEENBELLAANDEDWARDTHETRUESTLOVEINALLTHEWORLD)
So eff all of you for letting me watch the movie and read the books. I'm a few pages away from the end of New Moon, and I'm already clammy (or "palpy" as they say) for Eclipse. I sped through Moon just so (SPOILER ALERT) I could sleep at night knowing that Edward and Bella reunite. Although, I'm savoring the last 100 pages or so and don't know how the story ends so don't blow it for me. This is because I won't be able to handle it if something bad happens and they aren't together anymore. Um, no joke. Scary, I know. Help.
It's cool, Robert Pattinson, you can just keep staring at me like that, it's no big deal. It's not like my hands burn with a hundred fucking suns of passion to run my fingers through your impossibly beautiful locks. And your stubble is, like, whatevs, it's not like I die inside imagining what it would feel like to scrape against my cheek while you were whispering sweet nothings into my ear, you asshole.
1) Your non-LRAP excessive AGAU use of profanity is the alarming part that clues me into how bad this is. I feel like I just found my best snow-bunny friend at the bottom of the rabbit hole - are you secretly chugging liquor or robo-tripping? Are you chain smoking butts and calling babies "asshole" when they cry? Are you about to shave your head and date a papz? I'm like - fucking worried.
2) FUCK YOU LISA FOR SPREADING THE DISEASE - you couldn't keep "THIS PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN" to yourself? YOU HAD TO DRAG ME THROUGH THE MUD, TOO? I have like. Two jobs. Financial woes. Friends to keep up with. Non-fiction books to read. Accounting material to bone up on. Instead you put this shit in front of my face, like a line of coke in front of Lindsay Lohan's face - you know I'm weak like you. You know I'm an addict, too. HI WORLD, MY NAME IS ANNIE AND I FUCKING LOVE ATTRACTIVE MEN. WHEN I CAN SEE THEM ON TELEVISION, I DO. And I consequently stop everything else I do that may contribute in any way to the progress of society. My mom doesn't even know where I have been for the past week, since you got me hooked.
3) This blog was fucking perfect.
4) Almost as perfect as R Patz's face.
5) He makes Chace & Ed look like school girls.
XOXO
GOSSIP GIRL
Posted by: Annie | March 29, 2009 at 11:16 PM
By the way, can you tell him to calm the fuck down? How is you gonna roll up in here all flawless and shit?
WHAT IS UP WITH HIS INCREDIBLE MUSICIANSHIP? WHATTUP WITH HIS HOMAGE TO JEFF BUCKLEY STYLE? WHAT IS WITH HIM COMPOSING ENTIRE SONGS AND MAKING THEM THE MOST MOVING INCREDIBLE THINGS I HAVE EVER HEARD? WHAT IS WITH HIS BEAUTY? WHAT IS WITH HIS HAIR? WHAT?
STOP MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO DATE SOMEONE AND BE SATISFIED, KNOWING THAT YOU, PERFECT, EXIST. YOU'RE GOING TO TRASH ANY CHANCE OF HAPPINESS I HAVE.
Posted by: Annie | March 29, 2009 at 11:20 PM