greenlight district

Lady Gaga = Twihard?!?

 
On the eve of my first ever Lady Gaga concert, I thought I'd really let my dork flag fly by sharing some plans I have for "Teeth," a track off of her Fame follow up The Fame Monster.

I was super slow getting The Fame Monster on my iPod (I ignore digital files my techy friend sends me to DL because I'd rather have them on a CD, which only makes him angry because I'm just going to upload it on my computer anyway. I see his point - I'm obviously a cavewoman.) So, this past week I've been listening and lurving the greatest re-release in the history of the world besides 3 Car Garage (Hanson fans?) The real take away here for me - besides the fact that Lady Gaga is a truly amazing artist of our time duhduhduh - is her obvious motive behind "Teeth" : she totally wants in on The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn soundtrack during the future flick's most pivotal scene - when Bella and Edward FINALLY DO IT.

Hear.Me.Out.

When they make the fourth Twilight book Breaking Dawn into a movie or two, they will need to give fans what they had to flip through thousands of disappointing pages for (and ultimately, did not get): a hot sex scene. Lady Gaga's "Teeth" with its delicious, thumping beat and sexy-needy lyrics is the only track that captures Bella's true desire to get her some cold-hot vampire-lovin', get bit, and become Edward's wifey 4ever.

For example...

Gaga sings: "Don't want your money/Just want your sex." 

How it translates: Bella has no interest in Edward's ancient dolla billz even though he's willing to pay for practical things like safe cars and college tuition. She just wants to get laid, ya'll!!

Gaga sings: "Got no direction/Just got my vamp."

How it translates: In general, the Bella in the book is pretty lame and not interested in having a life outside of Edward. Her vamp.

Gaga sings: "I'm gonna love you with my hands tied."

How it translates: Edward needs to be restrained from tearing Bella to pieces during their crayzee sex sesh.

Gaga sings: "I need a man now show me your fangs"

How it translates: Come on, people. At least give me this one.

What Snooki and I have in common

I work in New Jersey and thus spend a bulk of my time there or getting there. NJ is definitely cool for some people, and I do enjoy the occasional suburban pleasures it offers, but when Jersey Shore debuted, I honestly couldn't get down. The last thing I want to do while safe at home in Brooklyn is return to the Dirty J, even if it is to its sunny boardwalked-shores.

But I finally gave up and drank a special hipster cool-aid: 1 part Gawker's field guide to the show chased with 4 parts Michael Cera's Youth in Revolt/Jersey Shore mash-up. (Watch all of the videos here! Stand out Cera quote: "I see the appeal. It's fun. Beating up the ground.") I watched a mini marathon, much easier to swallow with Michael's hair-gel fueled, fist-pumping vignettes. And with the knowledge of what a grenade/grenade launcher is.

Like all of us with taste, I was immediately drawn to Snooki, but what really pushed me over the edge was her repulsed reaction to the boys' lobster dinner. "I'm a vet tech," she explained. "I save animals. I don't kill them." 

GIRL. I hear that. Eating lobster is totes like indulging in a big plate of biodiversity-ruining, ocean ecosystem-devastating grossness. Plus they look like big, red cockroaches -- ew! Ignoring the next shot of our animal lovin' star suckling on a ham bone, she wins honorable mention for standing up for what she (kinda) believes in. Bravo, Snooks!

And happy new year, everyone! I would love to know what you all think about Jersey Shore -- and if YOU knew what a grenade was before watching this...

Photoshopping: Courtesy of this guy